How to Lose Friends and Influence No One

Hey everybody,

Did you know you probably have fewer close friends than your parents did at your age? And your parents fewer than theirs?

Since 1985, the average size of an individual’s core social network has shrunk by a third. By 2004, the percentage of people with no one to discuss important matters had doubled to 25%. Today, we spend less than 20 minutes a day connecting with friends in person.

Most of us know that the quality and depth of our social connections have a profound impact on our life satisfaction. Yet, something troubling is happening…

We’re lonelier, our circles are shrinking, could it get any worse?

The Anti-Social Playbook (A Thought Experiment)

Let's begin by writing the Anti-Social Playbook (trademark pending).

By learning what sabotages relationships in the negative extreme, we’ll learn what NOT to do. 

What if you wanted to make it even worse?

Law 1: The Art of Self-Centeredness

You know what people love? When you talk exclusively about yourself.

A friend shares an exciting weekend story, and instead of listening, you interrupt with a better story of your own. When they mention an accomplishment, respond by one-upping them.

Law 2: Criticize, Condemn, and Complain

Negativity is a powerful repellent, here’s how to wield it correctly:

• Immediately critique every idea shared with you

• Offer unsolicited advice about what others “should have” done

And what about praise? Well, praise is dangerous.

Instead, focus on flaws and point them out often.

Law 3: Become Infallible

Did you make a mistake? No, you didn’t.

Shift the blame, deny the obvious, or argue your point until the other person gives up out of exhaustion. 

Admitting mistakes might make you look human, and humans aren’t perfect. It’s better to be “right” than liked.

Law 4: Be Completely Uninterested

Don’t remember their names, don’t smile, and whatever you do, don’t ask anyone questions.

During conversations, keep your mind firmly on what you want to say next.

Wielding This Knowledge

To make friends, all we have to do is to flip each of these behaviours on its head. 

1. Listen More, Talk Less: No interrupting, no one-upping, just your full attention

2. Celebrate, Don’t Criticize: Give zero criticism, and actively look for opportunities to compliment others.

3. Embracing Imperfection: When you make mistakes, own them immediately. 

4. Show You Care: Asked thoughtful questions and truly listened to the answers. I developed a system for remembering names.

5. (Bonus) Put Yourself Out There: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.

I tried this new philosophy for a month to see what would happen. 30 days isn’t a long time so I wasn’t expecting a profound transformation, but I was mistaken.

The first thing I noticed was my increased social confidence and this newfound confidence was visible in my daily interactions.

Simply by knowing what other people want in a conversation, I felt well-prepared for any interaction. 

Normally I slink into my local gym, smile at the receptionist and go inside. Now, I’ve started having small talk with whoever is working. It makes the act of going to the gym so much warmer.

The most powerful moment came during week three when I spoke with a stranger outside the train station after they noticed my friend's snooker cue.

I focused entirely on the other person and watched as they gradually warmed up to me, like a flower blooming in the sun. 

Just from the simple act of giving someone my attention.

The Takeaway

Life is better with friends, so I’m on a mission to find connections in a divided world where meaningful relationships are becoming increasingly rare. 

I’ve come away from the experiment with this musing: Me enjoying life has little to do with me. It’s about learning to be more present and enjoying the world with others.

I hope you have a great upcoming week.

Best regards,

Harvey